I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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