Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
