yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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