I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
