I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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