You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
