You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
sex in a hospital.. check
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
