I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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