my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
