i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
wanna go halves on a baby?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
someone owes me an orgasm
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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