i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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