Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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