I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
