If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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