Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
