Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
