Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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