my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
