a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize