And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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