I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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