Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
