Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
