Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
