On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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