Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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