You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
