i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
