John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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