At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize