and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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