I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
