so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
