I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I smell stomach acid.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
