So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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