And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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