Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
