i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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