The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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