Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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