I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
