billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
