Moan for me like Helen Keller
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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