someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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