She is in my trunk
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
