I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
