end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think my moral compass just broke
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
