Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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