I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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