we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
