i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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