so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
