Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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