I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
