dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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