so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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