Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
